Seek First to Understand -An Essay

 Seek First to Understand - An Essay

Elihu Yale seated at table with the Second Duke of Devonshire and Lord James Cavendish

Decades ago, I had a Family Member (with capital letters) who came home from a lecture They’d attended. With a sense of enlightened optimism They swept back into the house and shared something newly learned.

“I just heard this great quote today: ‘Seek first to understand and then to be understood,’ Isn’t that just wonderful? What a wise thing to say! I want to live by that.”

They repeated it several times in the coming weeks. Admonitions to Themselves to hear out others with whom They didn’t share the same point of view. In my naïveté I thought this quote would be a force of good. 

Then, as it always did, the tone of our family climate soured in three or four days. 

There was a misunderstanding, and our Enlightened Quoter was livid. They sought to punish another family member without hearing the whole of the story. 

The other family member protested, and began explaining their side of the story. 

“But, you didn’t see everything that happened! Before you came into the room—“

“—SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND!! Didn’t I just remind you of that this morning? That means you have to understand why I am mad right now!!”

After that point, the wise quote was never cited again, except to prevent all other family members from seeking to be understood. The very opposite of the saying’s intention. The irony was lost on the One who wielded it. 

Many more times, “SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND” was shouted, and when we all finally realized that in order to live with half a sense of peace, we were never going to get a word in edgewise, we stopped fighting, but a deep sense of resentment set in. 

Years later, my best friend could clearly see that our relationship was dysfunctional and advised me to have a heart-to-heart with this Family Member. 

“I can’t,” was my reply. “It’s against the rules. And if I say anything at all, there will be a fight.”

My friend was stunned with me. But eventually, after much discussion, she saw that the power dynamic was incredibly lopsided between said Family Member and I — and with everyone in the family, really. 

My friend has never blamed me for my resentment, nor any attempt I’ve made to re-gain power. She has never told me to put on a happy face, but has advised cutting that family member out of my life. 

The difference is, my friend actually sought to understand me. The Family Member has not. 

If you’ve gotten this far in my little story, I hope you’re seeking to understand why I bring it up at this time. 

I will direct you to the headlines of a certain prominent east coast newspaper over the span of about 5 years. And the people who benefit from those headlines. 

Titus Kaphar, Enough About You (2016).